my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
