My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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