True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
