It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
