They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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