like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
