spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!