You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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