"it" just moved
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
