that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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