Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
