Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
