Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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