I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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