I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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