ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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