You made me cry and you don't even care
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
