I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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