so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
