oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
