her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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