i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
