Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
