Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
