you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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