Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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