when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish you could order shots online.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
