I will die if light touches me.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
