his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
oh god was she eating orange peels again
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
