I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
