BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
