You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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