Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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