I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
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