Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
