i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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