Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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