Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
