Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
