I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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