Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
