I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
