I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
