It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
