i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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