I just threw up on my dentist
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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