Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sober January is a disaster.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
