i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
