Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
barbara walters just said penis...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
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my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The uberlube is also flammable
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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