my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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