I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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