I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
