My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
