Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
