On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
